Archive for the ‘Daddy Issues’ Category

Fingers crossed

February 4, 2009

I decided to break this post into 3 parts, since so much has happened in the past 18 or so hours.

Part I: My Dad
So, my dad got out of jail yesterday afternoon. And guess who he decided to ring up? My brother. My brother, who has a 4-month-old son that Dad knows nothing about. Well, Dad called Mark (after not talking to him in at least 6 months, but probably longer) asking Mark to go over to his ex-girlfriend’s house and get some stuff for him. That’s right. He wanted Mark to help him out. And my dad had the audacity to tell Mark, when it comes to calling each other, “It’s a two-way street.” Sure, yeah, OK. Let’s run-down the past 3 calls from my dad to Mark: (1) When Dad was in jail early in 2007 and asked Mark for money; (2) Called to say his life sucked and he was ending it; and (3) A call to say he was fine but needed Mark to help him out. Whenever Dad calls, it’s always when he wants something. I haven’t spoken to him in 14 months. I know he won’t call me because (a) he lost my cell phone number and (b) he knows I won’t put up with his crap. I was through with him when he went to jail when I was in high school and I told him so. I love him because he’s my dad but I hate him because he’s my dad. And Mark finally saw the light a few years ago but Dad still thinks he can mooch off Mark. And Mark’s not having any of it.

The sad thing is, my dad stayed for one night with one of his loser friends from back in the day and told Mark he’s going to a shelter today. It’s really sad because he has pushed away so many people and now has no one. He really had it good: when I was in 9th grade, he was living with my uncle free and going to school to become a barber. Unfortunately, he really messed that up. I wish I could reach out to him but I’m so afraid of getting my heart broken again.

Part II: Job hunting
In more happier news, I have a solid lead for a job. Today, after my morning class, I went to my old job because they were hiring. The minute I stepped into the building, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just wanted to leave. The director told me I had to have my CDA to work there (which I didn’t need when I worked there previously) so blegh. But, inside, I was happy. I was bummed because it meant I was back to square 1 but the director there is not a very nice person (she was rather rude to me). And tons of teachers have left because of her.

So I came home and called Payless, PETCO, and a bank to see if they were hiring. No on the first two and the bank was only hiring a loan officer, with which you need 5 years of experience for. So then I called another daycare since I had seen on my way to school that they were hiring. They were hiring full-time and part-time, and with the part-time position you don’t need a CDA. So I went in and applied and saw a friendly, familiar face. A girl I had worked with at the previous daycare was working there now and gave me a super-good reference. I talked with the director who seems soooo nice. The positions they have are 12 p.m. – 6 p.m. in either the infants or toddlers.

If I can get this position (especially in the infants room), I would be bursting with joy. I love, love, love, LOVE infants. It was my favorite room in my old daycare. So, fingers crossed! I should find out by Friday if I got the job. 🙂

Part III: The Dog
Well, today The Dog  had a nice, tasty treat. I was popping some popcorn and had a plate sitting by the computer on a low table. Well, on the plate were brownies (ugh, please don’t ask. We had WAY TOO MUCH food left over from the Superbowl) and the stinker ate one! It was one of those Chick-Fil-A brownies but halved so I looked online and it gave some common symptoms – none of which The Dog is exhibiting. A bad reaction would cause him to vomit, be extra hyper, and urinate frequently. He’s been sleeping for a while.

He had a really guilty look on his face, though. I stuck him in my room for a few minutes for time-out (but, really, all he does is get up on my bed and sleep…) and tried to see if maybe he didn’t really eat the brownie but I can’t find the other half anywhere. So we’ll be keeping a close eye on him! He seems fine right now.

Anyway, that’s it from here on the homefront. Gosh. I hope I get that job. That’d be sweet! The hours are perfect, too. I have my story that was due today already finished (so many people were still working on theirs…HAHA!) so I’m going to relax for a while and do a little homework. Tonight, I’m visiting my brother and precious nephew. I’ll try to get some pictures because he’s SO BIG! He’s about 18 lbs and just turned 4 months! Crazy, I tell you.

His own fault

January 11, 2009

Well, he’s done it again. Yesterday, I received a message from my uncle on Facebook letting me know that my dad had been arrested. This is his FIFTH arrest. It may not seem like a lot when you think of other repeat offenders but this is my dad, so, yeah, it’s a lot to me.

All I could read from the PCSO’s website was he was arrested for domestic battery which means he probably did something to his girlfriend, Sindy. In April of 2007 they were both arrested for domestic battery (ironically, my dad’s was a felony and her’s was a misdemeanor).

I’m not surprised at the charge. He has a really bad temper that he doesn’t seem to know how to control. I can’t tell you how many things he ruined because of his bad temper. I know he put a hole in our wall once and he broke my mom’s glasses. I remember sitting at our kitchen table when I was maybe 6 and my mom was cooking dinner. My dad got mad about something and he actually put a knife up to her neck – in front of his young daughter! I’ve never forgotten that.

So, his bail is set at $25,000 which is muchhh more than his other bail’s have been set at. His other’s have been $500 or $0. So I think he’ll be enjoying a nice, long visit in jail. Plus, he hit the only woman who would bail him out.

He’s an idiot.
He’s a loser.
I hate him.
I love him.
He’s my dad.

Why couldn’t I get one of those sweater-vest wearing, overprotective, dorky fathers? One who could hold a steady job and love me without string attached?

Well, we can’t always get what we want, right?

I love you, I love you not

August 18, 2008

There are only 2 people in my life that I know love me unconditionally, no strings attached. No matter what I do, they will stand by me and cheer me on. If I disappoint them, I don’t have to worry that they will stop loving me. Those 2 people are my mom and my grandma.

EVERYONE else in my life comes with conditions. I feel that if I don’t do everything to meet up to some specific standard (a standard I decide on, apparentely), they won’t love me anymore. It’s not hard to see why: I was never good enough for my dad. And now, I’m not good enough for even a phone call.

I haven’t spoken to my dad in almost 9 months and it really, really hurts. It hurts that he has no use for me at all. I know it’s because he knows I won’t let him off the hook. I will let him know when he’s done something wrong…and he’s not used to that. He’s called my brother but my brother refuses to speak to him. The last 2 times he did, my dad asked him for money (after not calling my brother in 5 months) and the next was to tell Mark that he was going to kill himself. And, yeah, that’s horrible and my dad is the biggest loserface on the planet. But, sometimes, I wish I could be granted a call for him. It’s hard to feel loved, wanted, and special when the ONE man on the planet who should care for you and love you doesn’t. Where did I go wrong? Am I not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough? Where are my flaws, Dad? Just show me and I’ll fix them. I promise!

Because of my dad, I put a “love price tag” on everyone. With my brother, I have to keep up with my movie quotes and football stats. With my friends, I have to be hilarious all the time and smart enough to keep up with them. With my cousins, I have to appear as if I’m “cool enough” and “funny enough.” Because if I fall short, they will stop loving me.

Just as my dad has.

It’s a very sad way to live. I’m always on edge and I never feel as if I measure up. I’m always thinking, why do they want to be my friend? When a friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, I gave her an enthusiastic “YES” with confidence. Inside, I’m asking myself why she chose me. She has closer friends, prettier friends, more “spiritual” friends. But she still chose me as a bridesmaid. And I can’t let her down.

My brother and I are playing Fantasy Football this year, just the two of us. When he compliments me on how well I did in our “Game Picks” last year, my chest puffs out and my face glows. He paid me a compliment! He thinks I’m good at something!

And don’t even get my started on Jesus Christ. I can’t even fathom Him and His love for me. Unconditional. He feels that I am so worthy and so beautiful. It’s hard to imagine since my earthly father is such an opposite. Where my father scolds, my Father comforts. Where my father scoffs, my Father encourages. Where my father forgets, my Father remembers. His love is unwavering and He will always be there for me. I’ll never run out of second chances with Him and He will never forget me. I’m always His precious princess and He wants to lavish me with love, attention, and affection.