No Father-Daughter dances for me

I knew it would happen. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind it would happen. But I let the thought escape my mind.

I was having fun. We were at the wedding reception, celebrating the union of Anisah and Andrew. We had just eaten a delicious dinner and all of the bridesmaids were barefoot and happy. We watched a performance of Hawaiian dancers and a fun little game about the who’s gonna be who in their marriage (Who is the better cook? Who wears the pants in the family?).

And then Anisah and Andrew had their first dance as husband and wife. They danced to “At Last” by Etta James and all of us single girls sighed and looked on with jealousy.

And then it was time for the Father-Daughter dance. And I had no doubt in my mind I wouldn’t be able to stick around for it. So, choking back a sob, I excused myself from the table and rushed to the bathroom and unfortunately heard the beginning of the song Anisah and her father would be dancing to, “Cinderella” by Steven Curtis Chapman.

As I stood in the stall, crying softly, it just hit me that I’ll never have a Father-Daughter dance. I haven’t spoken to my dad in 16 months and it seems as if he has forgotten I even exist. And even if we do somehow reconnect and reconcile, it’s not the same.

He was never a father to me. I’ve never had a father. When I was young and cute, sure. He liked me. He played with me. I thought he was handsome and strong and everything a little girl could ask for. But as I grew older, I realized how wrong that thinking was.

He never made me feel beautiful, just because I was his daughter. He never protected me. He never showed me how precious I was to him. I never felt pretty enough, smart enough, athletic enough for him. I remember playing tennis with him and my brother and just standing there as he hit ball after ball to my brother, leaving me to just watch. I remember telling him of my “new dream” of being a homicide detective (I was 14 at the time) and him telling me I’d never be good at that. I remember being disappointed by him time and time again (not showing up for weekends, telling us of a trip to Ohio that we never took, etc.).

So that moment of a father giving his daughter away to another man…that’s never going to happen to me. He’s already given me away. He isn’t holding on closely to my heart until the right man comes along and he willingly gives it to him. He’s already tarnished and trashed my heart.

I’ve already decided long ago that my brother is going to give me away. He’s been the father figure that my father never was and has done his best to try to piece back my heart that my father broke. Now I just need to find a really good brother-sister song.

On a much lighter note, I forgot to mention that I caught the bouquet at the wedding! I told Anisah to throw it to me (since I’m totally her favorite bridesmaid EVER!) and she threw it up, it got caught in the rafters, and I used my keen ability to catch it, screaming like a wild woman when I did. It was fantastic. And my groomsman, who is also Anisah’s brother (who requested me because I’m “pretty” and “nice”), caught the garter. Quite fitting, wouldn’t you say? 😉

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One Response to “No Father-Daughter dances for me”

  1. Tamy Says:

    I know it’s premature but I just wanted to check so I did a search for Brother/Sister songs and I found a few suggestions (http://www.brides.com/forums/message.jspa?messageID=169429)
    and one song titled “Brother/Sister Song” by a couple of Christian singers who I have never heard of, Nathan Paul and Heidi Chapman. I can’t find any more info on it but the part of the song that I could listen to was a little corny but not too bad.
    (http://www.steveandanniechapman.com/music02.php)
    Just thought I would share with you. : )

    God Bless!

    Tamy : )

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