Archive for November, 2008

A wake-up call

November 22, 2008

So, yesterday, I decided it was time to hang up my diplomas. I had a frame for my A.A. degree but was waiting to get one for my high school diploma. It’s much smaller than a regular-sized piece of paper so I needed to get the right size. And, you know, it’s been 2 1/2 years since I graduated from high school. It was time.

I framed my high school diploma just right, hammered in two nails, and made sure the diploma looked perfect. It did. So then I set to hammering two nails for the other diploma. I guess I’m not up-to-date on hammering techniques and didn’t realize that the movement of a hammer banging a nail into a wall would cause my other diploma to move and shift until it fell off the wall. The wood holding the frame together broke into 3 pieces.

I looked at it for a moment and said, “Man. That could make me cry.”

So I had a tiny, itty-bitty meltdown.

Fine. I had a huge, gulping tears “I have no purpose” cry. It felt kinda good. I’ve been holding in all my feelings for the past few weeks, pretending everything is OK. Sure, it’s fine that I failed my final internship and nobody thinks I’m ready to be alone with kids. A-OK. Hunky dory.

And I came to this realization: I don’t want to be a teacher.

I’ve had a blast in my classes. It was fun and then I got to my internship and while I adored the kids to bits and pieces, I wasn’t good at it. I rambled on and on about subjects, I never felt comfortable teaching, and honest-to-God, I never got a good evaluation.

All of my friends in their internships could whip out a lesson from scratch and have it be amazing. I would read their statuses on Facebook: “So-and-so had an AMAZING evalution, even though I had to make up a lesson from scratch.” And I was just like, “Seriously? The only way I could ever have an AMAZING evaluation is by practicing it thirty times before I did it.”

It wasn’t my path to take.

I think God needed to give me a wake-up call. Honestly, I knew teaching wasn’t where I was going to be 10 years from now. I’m a writer. I write. I love to write. I can write essays like it’s a day at the beach. I have so many ideas floating around in my brain that it’s hard to keep track. So why do teaching? I just thought it would be a good career before I got published.

Obviously, God nixed that idea.

So, I’m changing my major. I have to decide between English (emphasis on Creative Writing) or Mass Communications (emphasis on journalism or public relations). Obviously, I would want to do the first one because it would give me the best boost to become a published author. I don’t know if I want to do journalism or public relations. Journalism and public relations will probably give me a more stable job when I graduate but I already tried that with teaching. It didn’t work.

I’m going to have to take to the advisor in the College of Ed first to get the ball rolling to change my major. Then I can start talking to advisors on what to change my major to, either English or Mass Communications. I’m hoping to be able to sign up for classes for Spring but it might be too late. I hope it’s not. I need to be registered, otherwise my 6-month loan payoff period is going to kick in and I’m going to have to start making payments in June. Yikes!

I feel like I’m finally walking in God’s will now, or, at the very least, I’m headed there. I just need to keep praying that He’ll continue to direct my path. His way is a billion times better than my way – as we have seen! He’ll get me to where I need to be.

Overthinking

November 10, 2008

I decided to give a little update. As you can see, I made a new banner. You like? It’s a daisy. I’ve realized that I like daisies as well as tulips so now I’m in a conundrum for my future wedding. I thought it was going to be tuliped-themed but daisies are quite gorgeous as well. Hm.

My nephew is turning 7 weeks old this week!
jovannys-so-cute-5-weeks

This is him on Halloween night. Yes, he’s a looker, all right. He is such a good, sweet baby. Mark and Jenny are adjusting to having this little guy remarkably! He’s an amazing little guy with such a sweet aura to him. He’s a go-with-the-flow type of baby. It makes me want to go out and have one of my own! (But I won’t. I promise. Not ’til I’m married and responsible and all that jazz)

I’ll probably do my Final Internship, Take 2 in Hillsborough County.
I met with the main internship advisor on Friday, October 31st and gave her my story. She suggested taking an “Incomplete” for the class and doing my internship in Hillsborough County, mainly a Town-and-Country school. It would be annoying driving to and from Tampa everyday but if it gets me a good teacher and a good internship, I’m all for it.

I’ve really been doubting finishing my degree in teaching. I mean, I should be able to finish this internship no matter how bad the teachers treat me. I should be able to fit in easily and do my lessons with ease and I wasn’t able to. Is what I think I should be doing something I shouldn’t be doing? Am I wasting my time? I’m just so discouraged and I’d like some answers. I figure if it’s not meant to be, then God will close the door. He’ll show me in His way what I need to be doing.

In all honesty, I knew teaching would be a temporary career for me. My real passion is writing and the plan God has for me is in that industry. I know this. I feel God calling me to a life of ministry of writing. Everyone I talk to says I have a “gift” for writing and there are so many book ideas swirling around in my brain all the time. Whether it’s through fictional stories or real-life self-help, it’s up to God. Obviously, I want to do His will because mine pales in comparison to His. His plans are so magnificent and amazing that it would be nuts not to want His will over mine.

How many times can I use a “No Weigh-In Pass” in Weight Watchers?
I think I’ve used these passes for the past couple of months. I don’t know what it is but my desire to be healthy and skinny has fallen to the wayside. You’d think I’d have enough motivation from my mom. She lost 80 lbs and became a Lifetime Member a few weeks ago. EIGHTY POUNDS! That’s the size of some fourth-graders. All I need to lose is about thirty. I can’t even manage to lose five.

I need to find someplace to get the desire back. Maybe taking disgusting pictures of my belly and arms. I don’t know. I also need to find exercise that I enjoy doing. My mom LOVES to run. I mean, she loves it. Me? Not so much. I have an allergic reaction to it. You know, I get sweaty and out of breath and cramps… It’s just not a very good situation. I like strength-training and I like Pilates and yoga (I lovvvve yoga!). The problem with yoga is that you don’t get a lot of exercise points. You get maybe 2 points for half an hour (whereas running for a half-hour gets you 4+ points). But shouldn’t exercise be about more than points? I guess so. I’m still waiting to see it that way. I also don’t mind walking. It’s a good way to clear the mind and it doesn’t hurt me so much. 😉

I need to find the desire. I’m officially 4 pounds heavier than I was when I started in May 2007. Um… I guess I should write a *Results not typical disclaimer on that.

(Whoops! I need to write a few words. As I clicked to publish this point, my word count was at 666 words. Not a good sign. Whew! 723 words!)