That was a test, wasn’t it?

My emotions have been on a super-twisting rollercoaster since last night.

I went online to check out my financial aid for this school year. (What, doesn’t everybody wait for the Friday before school starts to do this, too?) I found out I have unsatisfied requirements and I’m $9,000 short of paying my tuition and fees.


I look and realize that papers I had mailed months ago weren’t complete. Did they ever think of contacting me to tell me this? Noooo. Luckily, I was already planning a trip up to Tampa to get my Final Internship Packet so I found the forms I needed easily. Then I realized that my Stafford loans weren’t showing up.

Wait a second!

Those loans are needed SO BADLY this semester, since I’m not working. I can’t help my mom out with gas, rent, or other bills. Not to mention, I have credit cards that need to be paid and $40 a month for WW. So I was freaking out. And I went a little crazy. I started crying, throwing things, and then I did what I always do: I shut down. I went to my room and I just didn’t want to deal with anything. My mom hates this, I hate this. I have the absolute worst communication when it comes to things being wrong with me. I have to work on this for my FH.

My mom was able to calm me down and said I’d just have to talk to the people in the Financial Aid office and get it all straightened out. Whew.

I’ve been seriously debating where teaching is God’s plan for me. Lately, it seems like it isn’t. I asked Him to close some doors if it’s not and I thought, maybe this is God’s way of saying no. I strongly believe God has other plans for me but I don’t know what they are yet. Well, I was on my way to USF and the song “I Am” by Ginny Owens came on the radio. This song was sent directly from God to me. The chorus goes like this:

’Cause there’s a bigger picture you can’t see
You don’t have to change the world, just trust in Me
‘Cause I am your Creator, I am working out my plan
And through you I will show them, I Am

I just started CRYING when the song came on. It was raining and I’m trying to merge onto I-275 at this point so it’s not a good situation. I’m trying to sing along and my voice keeps breaking. I felt so strongly that God was sitting in the car with me, holding my hand, and singing these words straight to me. It was AMAZING! I’ve never felt God so strongly before but He was sitting in the car with me. This was His way of showing me that I needed to trust Him. He knows what He’s doing.

Well, after that song was on the radio, the Rosary came on and since I’m not Catholic, I put my CD on, which was on ANOTHER perfect song! It was “Blue Sky” by Francesca Battistelli (her CD is AMAZING, by the way). It was on the chorus:

When the rain is falling
And there’s no silver lining
And you just can’t seem to find the light
When you need a reason
To help you keep believing
Let My love be your blue sky

It was so perfect because it was literally raining and I was searching desperately for the light at the end of this tunnel.

It was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I just can’t describe it enough. I felt so loved by my Savior. He was going to get me through this. He had a plan.

Unfortunately, my happiness didn’t last very long as I went to Pro-Copy to get my Final Internship Packet and found out it was FORTY-ONE DOLLARS! What?! And there’s no financial aid there. I had $20 to my name and I had to tell the poor guy I’d have to wait. Right now, my mom and I are in SUCH financial straits. She’s working 2 jobs and it’s still not enough. We’re always short on something.

So I had another breakdown. I called my mom, crying my eyes out. I freaked out, figured “no final internship for me!” and if it wasn’t for my mom, I don’t know what I would have done. She calmed me down and found a solution to our problems (hello, Ms. Cash Advance).

I felt like I kept getting hit over and over again with a bowling ball. It was just one thing after another. Everything in my life seems like it’s a battle: A battle for purity, a battle for healthy eating, a battle to keep clothes on my back and food on the table, etc. Nothing ever comes easy for me.

And I knew it was another test that I failed yet again. I had my hand wrapped securely in my faithful Prince’s. He was smiling lovingly down at me and I was gazing up at Him with adoration. But then a speed bump presented itself for me. Jesus waited to see what I would do. Instead of letting Him walk me over it, I tried to do it myself. I ended up falling and scraping my knee. My hand is pulled from His by my own volition (not His) and I turn away from Him. He stands there, on the other side of the speed bump, with His hand out. I’m so ashamed. I TOOK MY HAND FROM HIS! Why would He even suggest taking my scrapped up, ugly hand in His beautiful one? I stand up, brush my hands on my jeans, and I slowly, tentatively, put my hand in His. He grasps it firmly and leads me over the bump in the road. I don’t want to look up at Him. I’ve done Him wrong again. Gently, He takes my chin in His hand and I look into His eyes. I see nothing but love in His eyes. “My beautiful princess,” He says. “I am not going anywhere. I am here to stay. I am here to love you, guide you, and encourage you. I need you to believe that. My hand will never leave yours. Ever.” And we continue walking.


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