I love you, I love you not

There are only 2 people in my life that I know love me unconditionally, no strings attached. No matter what I do, they will stand by me and cheer me on. If I disappoint them, I don’t have to worry that they will stop loving me. Those 2 people are my mom and my grandma.

EVERYONE else in my life comes with conditions. I feel that if I don’t do everything to meet up to some specific standard (a standard I decide on, apparentely), they won’t love me anymore. It’s not hard to see why: I was never good enough for my dad. And now, I’m not good enough for even a phone call.

I haven’t spoken to my dad in almost 9 months and it really, really hurts. It hurts that he has no use for me at all. I know it’s because he knows I won’t let him off the hook. I will let him know when he’s done something wrong…and he’s not used to that. He’s called my brother but my brother refuses to speak to him. The last 2 times he did, my dad asked him for money (after not calling my brother in 5 months) and the next was to tell Mark that he was going to kill himself. And, yeah, that’s horrible and my dad is the biggest loserface on the planet. But, sometimes, I wish I could be granted a call for him. It’s hard to feel loved, wanted, and special when the ONE man on the planet who should care for you and love you doesn’t. Where did I go wrong? Am I not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough? Where are my flaws, Dad? Just show me and I’ll fix them. I promise!

Because of my dad, I put a “love price tag” on everyone. With my brother, I have to keep up with my movie quotes and football stats. With my friends, I have to be hilarious all the time and smart enough to keep up with them. With my cousins, I have to appear as if I’m “cool enough” and “funny enough.” Because if I fall short, they will stop loving me.

Just as my dad has.

It’s a very sad way to live. I’m always on edge and I never feel as if I measure up. I’m always thinking, why do they want to be my friend? When a friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, I gave her an enthusiastic “YES” with confidence. Inside, I’m asking myself why she chose me. She has closer friends, prettier friends, more “spiritual” friends. But she still chose me as a bridesmaid. And I can’t let her down.

My brother and I are playing Fantasy Football this year, just the two of us. When he compliments me on how well I did in our “Game Picks” last year, my chest puffs out and my face glows. He paid me a compliment! He thinks I’m good at something!

And don’t even get my started on Jesus Christ. I can’t even fathom Him and His love for me. Unconditional. He feels that I am so worthy and so beautiful. It’s hard to imagine since my earthly father is such an opposite. Where my father scolds, my Father comforts. Where my father scoffs, my Father encourages. Where my father forgets, my Father remembers. His love is unwavering and He will always be there for me. I’ll never run out of second chances with Him and He will never forget me. I’m always His precious princess and He wants to lavish me with love, attention, and affection.


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